“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brené Brown
We’ve all agreed to do something that doesn’t feel quite right.
We’ve spent money on things that we didn’t care about, let social pressure affect our decisions, and gone back on promises that we made to ourselves. We’ve maintained friendships with people who leave us feeling drained and exhausted, yet we hesitate to let those connections go.
When we catch ourselves doing this over and over again, we need to ask ourselves: where do our boundaries lie, and how can we do a better job of upholding those boundaries in difficult situations?
Boundaries aren’t walls that guard you from real connections. They are tools for self-preservation, and they are a form of self-respect.
The best part of setting boundaries doesn’t have to do with walking away from relationships that weigh you down, maintaining control over how you spend your time, or the sense of relief you get when you say “no” to something without guilt.
It’s the feeling of inner peace that you get when you treat your time and energy as sacred. You know that you stand by your values, and you can devote your efforts to people and activities that you love instead. When you maintain your boundaries and stay true to your values, you live in authenticity.
Over the past year, I’ve personally had to set boundaries around unhealthy habits.
When I go out for the night with friends, I no longer feel guilty about heading home early if I’m too exhausted to have a good time. If someone offers me a snack that I can’t eat, I politely decline and explain why without getting judgmental. If I’m invited out the night before a busy morning, I don’t feel awkward about having a mocktail.
At first, sticking to those boundaries felt uncomfortable. I wondered if people would see me as boring or uptight.
But as time went on, the idea of violating those boundaries began to feel more uncomfortable. At the end of the day, I had to make choices that were right for me, even if it could invite judgment from others. As long as I wasn’t hurting anyone else, I didn’t have to be apologetic about maintaining my boundaries.
So, how can you determine your own boundaries? Here are a few tips to help you figure it out.
1. Notice when you feel out of alignment with your values.
That sinking feeling that sets in when you agree to something you didn’t really want to do. That moment when you catch yourself groaning inside when you realize you overextended your schedule again. That hesitation you get before spending time with someone you know is a negative influence.
We get a certain queasy feeling when we know that we’re going against our values or failing to set boundaries. We might try to tell ourselves that it’s okay to make exceptions, but deep down, we know that something is off. Instead of berating yourself for your mistake, simply take a step back and notice the way your emotions clue you in when these moments arise.
2. Get specific: Exactly where are you shrinking for the sake of others?
Here’s the part where you break out your journal and dig deep.
Reflect on recent moments when you’ve agreed to something that you didn’t actually want. Ask yourself why. Write about how it made you feel.
When you have a few examples written down, you’ll have a better idea of where you need to set stronger boundaries.
Perhaps you’re the type who says “yes” to every possible commitment because you don’t want to let anyone down. Or maybe you’ve been dropping everything to help someone who probably wouldn’t reciprocate the effort if the roles were reversed. Think about what it would be like if you set boundaries in these situations instead.
3. Take action to set clear boundaries.
Now, it’s time to put those reflections in to action.
Of course, at first, it won’t be easy.
People may question you or try to wear you and your boundaries down. But remember that this isn’t really about them.
It’s all about living your life in a way that makes you happy and fulfilled.
Recent Comments